Branching Out

So you can see that I don't just do this to wrestlers, here's a LFAN I sent off to a spam scam I received on my work e-mail. This was mostly for my own amusement, but thought I'd share it here, too. The letter is first, followed by my reply:

My honor,
With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contactyou. I am an army Sgt.Charles Willy. Now serving with the third infantrycontingent mission stationed in Iraq; I actually found your contact particularsin a business journal.

I am seeking your experience and assistance to evacuate the sum of $18.5MillionUnited Sates Dollars to a comfortable place where you reside. This is no stolen funds, and there are no risks involved.

SOURCE OF FUNDS: During the third month of the raid here in Iraq, Myself and a few othersoldiers while conducting a routine search in a location near one of Saddam.s old palaces, I discovered large Sums of money buried in barrels with piles ofweapons and ammunitions which we believed must have been part of Saddam's hiddentreasure. I and my late colleague agreed not to turn over the cash or declare itto our authorities that brought us here, since there was nothing we could dohaving considered that there is no amount or kind of compensation that can makeup, be quantified, or justify the risks we have taken with our lives in thishell hole then I quickly declare the boxes to UNICEF staff who came to rescuevictims of the war to neighboring country where American set as center fortreatment, I drop a note with UNICEF staff that the boxes belongs to an alienwho leave in Iraq and that they want me to keep there personal belongings for them. The staff fully accepted the boxes from me and put it inside the flight toa near by country within the Middle East.

The total money inside the 2 boxes was amounting of $18.5Million Dollars, theseboxes have been moved out of Iraq by UNICEF to near by country and it wasdeposited security Vault, in a security vault. I confounded the UNICEF Staffthat these boxes contain Gold and diamond for the shop of alien who trade inIraq that they should secure it until they return or call for claim.One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter to thepublic due to my office and duty in Iraq, if you should have reasons to rejectthis offer, please destroy this mail. I do not know for how long we will remainhere, and I havesurvived two suicide bomb attacks by the grace of God.

It may be difficult for us to communicate frequently for security reasons, so assoon as I am sure you are willing to help, I will link you up with the contactand close confidant who will work with you to get the money into your care. Onyour immediate correspondence with the contact which I will introduce to you, hewill need to release to you the document and secret code in which the funds wassafeguarded with so you can proceed for claim and collection, but only when hehas ascertained your seriousness and totality to commit your time in seeing tothe success of this. We will also discuss your percentage when it is convenientto do so but the first thing is for you to get hold of the funds first.

I want you to write me and I shall brief you all details to achieve this aim.Thanks,
Sgt.Charles Willy.

Dear Sgt. Charles Willy (do you mind if I call you "Chilly Willy"?),

Thank you for summing up the courage to contact me from an Unnamed Business Directory. It's intestinal fortitude like yours that makes this country so great.

So if I understand your letter correctly, you found $18.5 million stashed insome boxes in Saddam's palace. Dude, weren't you guys there to look for Weaponsof Mass Destruction? Surely, that would be easier to find than 18 mill, I'd think... But that's just my opinion. Maybe that's why I flunked out of MilitaryCommando School and you're Sgt. Chilly Willy.

Anyways, I am writing you to learn more about this INCREDIBLE offer than I'm CERTAIN isn't a SCAM of any sort. No sir. I was thinking you could fly your chopper over to my place and just drop it in my back yard, right next to thefrog-shaped sand box. You know what I'll do with it? Well, I won't stash it in a barrel, that's for damn sure. Maybe I'll just you know... put in the bank! Did you ever think of THAT, Chilly Willy?

As I understand it, you did not want me to ``discuss this matter to the public''. Well, it's good thing you sent it to a REPORTER then, isn't it? This will make tonight's 6:00 news for sure. What rank did you say you were again?And do you have a photo?

I don't want to take up any more of your time, as I'm sure you're busy protecting the freedom of the American people/stealing gold from Saddam to bother with someone like me.

Peace, out,
Sgt. Bulldog