Movie Review - "Shoot 'Em Up"

And the award for the least-realistic film EVER goes to....

Seriously, I can't recall a less-plausible movie in my 34 years of moviegoing (well, I probably didn't see that many flicks as an infant, but work with me here). I mean, Star Wars looked like a documentary in comparison. Jean Claude Van-Damme watched this and said "Dude, that's just not possible."

(Spoiler alert ahead)



For the uninitiated, Clive Owen plays a badass dude named Smith, who just happens to be sitting on a street corner late at night, eating a carrot ("What's up, doc?") when a pregnant woman comes running by and is being gunned down by terrorists. Not only does Smith fend off, like, 1,000 hitmen without breaking a sweat, but he also manages to deliver the baby while firing a gun with perfect precision.

Still firing away, Smith manages to save the baby from impending doom and the worst's slimiest criminal mastermind (Paul Giamatti), hook up with a lactating hooker, shoot people while sliding under tables, figure out an international scandal, shoot people while fucking the hooker, make contact with an enviable list of government and media sources, shoot people using only a carrot, spank a mother in public, shoot people after diving off a plane, without, I should add, a parachute, break into a gun factory (because I imagine their security is pretty lax) and -- oh yes, kill a man using his disfigured hand, four bullets and a fireplace. Yeah....

If you can really, really, REALLY suspend disbelief for 90 minutes or so, this isn't that bad. Paricularly if you like shooting. But I couldn't get past that. I must have said "REALLY?" in a Stan-from-South-Park-type-way AT LEAST 50 times during the course of the film, and that was in between biting my lip or shaking my head in frustration.

That said... you almost HAVE to see it, just because it's that hilarious in a trainwreck kind of way.