The more things change...

Came across a column I wrote almost 11 years ago (October 6, 1994, to be precise) in my college newspaper. Thought I'd reprint a portion of it today.

Sure, the writing isn't as polished as I'd like to think I can do these days, but the humor and wrestling elements are at least in place. This was written as baseball and hockey were talking about lockouts, and especially with the NHL situation still looming, seems kind of appropriate to reprint today:

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I, for one, have grown tired of going to day-to-day waiting for the latest labor dispute to be settled. The athletes and owners are nothing but a bunch of crybabies. I've given up and decided to actively pursue the one spot that doesn't mess with all this garbage: professional wrestling.

Stop laughing! I mean it! You'd never see Hulkster or Macho Man go on strike! And where else can you see "sport" and entertainment combined in one package? Imagine how much more exciting it would be if all sports were like wrestling:

For beginners, we all know that all sports have good guys (Joe Carter, Wayne Gretzky) and bad guys (Bob Probert, Charles Barkley). Why not exploit it? Couldn't you just see Albert Belle smashing a catcher over the head with his corked bat? How about a football coach distracting the referee so his men could acquire a very personal foul?

What about interviews? I can't tell you how many times I've changed the channel during the white-bread responses of a Paul Molitor ("I think we really have a good club this year..."). BO-RING! If the athletes gave interviews a la the WWF, you could bet that fans would be on the edge of their seats when they heard "Whatcha gonna do - when Andre Agassi runs wild over youuuuuuuuu!" prior to a tennis game.

The violence level in sports would skyrocket if they decided to copy the mentality of the "squared circle". Don King would be positively drooling if he could figure out a way to promote Australian Rules Tag Team Boxing. How about if hockey goons Tie Domi and Louie DeBrusk opted not to brawl on the ice - but instead took their battles inside the confines of a 15-foot steel cage?

Of course, if all sports took after pro wrestling, the illegalities might start to folllow. Golfers would constantly be disqualified for hair-pulling. One could only imagine what Joe Bowen would say while broadcasting on The FAN:

"Well, it looks like the Maple Leafs are about to defeat the Whalers and... wait. What's this? The Detroit Red Wings have stormed the ice! They're looking to settle the score from last week! They've sneak-attacked the Leafs! IT'S ALL OVER!"

"It's only against the rules if you caught, Bowen," guest commentator Jesse "The Body" Ventura would likely comment.

Okay, perhaps a Pearl Harbor attack from a rival team is a little farfetched, but sports would be much more entertaining to watch. Most importantly, there would be no strikes, no lockouts, no labor disputes...

After all, someone from the Players Association could always bodyslam the commissioner if negotiations weren't going well.