Letters From A Nut BONUS MATERIAL

Okay... this one isn't wrestling related. But I still think it's a good one.

I get TONS of spam e-mail at work, and I wanted to respond to one. This actually started two months ago. Every time I think she's finished with me, she comes back with another response. Anyways, her letter is first, followed by my response, and so on:



The Jane Mupesa Files

From:Jane Mupesafamily2001 4/ 5 8:45
Subject: From Mrs Jane
Attachment(s): None Page 1/ 4

Dear Sir / Madam,

In a brief I am Mrs Jane Mupesa, wife to Ndoga Mupesa of Chiweshe ward in Muzarabani, Mashonaland Central province, who was allegedly killed in cold blood on 5th April 2001 by alleged Zanu PF militias and war veterans for supporting the (Mr Morgan Tsvangirai) Movement for Democratic Change, an opposition party to the tyranny government of President Robert Mugabe.I have been thrown into a state of utter confusion, frustration and hopelessness by the present civilian administration; I have been subjected to physical and psychological torture by the security agents in the country.

As a widow that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with anybody within the country. You must have heard over the media reports and the internet on the recovery of various huge sums of money deposited by my husband in different security firms abroad, some companies willingly give up their secrets and disclosed our money confidently lodged there and many out rightly blackmail us. When my husband was alive I used to move funds running into millions of United States Dollars to Brazil/Lebanon and other Arab Countries.

However, on the eve of my husband's death on 5th April 2001, he gave me the sum of US$39m(million) in cash to move to Lebanon ,but immediately my husband died I moved the funds to a Security Firm through a diplomatic courier service where the fund is right now.

The funds have been in the Finance Firm since 2001.Because of the restriction placed on my family by the Zimbabwean Government, I Simply cannot travel to secure the funds from the Security Firm where this said amount was deposited, all you need to do is to furnish me with the requested information's bellow immediately;

1. Full names
2. Contact address
3. Telephone and fax numbers
4. Location

Please contact me immediately so that I will give you the contact of my
Lawyer for more details and to expedite action.
Alternative E-Mail address:jane_ndogamupesa2001@voila.fr

Mrs Jane Mupesa
Muzaraban-Zimbabwe

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Dear Mrs. Jane Mupesa,

My deepest condolences on the death of your husband Ndoga Mupesa of Chiweshe ward in Muzarabani, Mashonaland Central province. Now admit it -- you made it up part of that name, didn't you? I mean, I could have said that my spouse Zheshesh Wuzuwoozle lived in Ahitohoney Jerzscheread, located in Lower West Ghandarozod, and you wouldn't know the difference. Am I right?

Anyways... OF COURSE I have heard about his death through the numerous media and Internet reports, as you've suggested. They even had a bulletin on it as I was watching television last night. Can you believe that? I was in the middle of watching wrestling, and then, bam, they interrupt to tell me about the death of Ndoga Mupesa of Chiweshe ward in Muzarabani, Mashonaland Central province. So now I have no idea what happened after the referee got knocked out. Thanks a lot!

I understand that on the eve of your husband's death, he gave you the sum of US$39m(million) in cash to move to Lebanon. So what's the problem? Enjoy it! You're worried about the Zimbabwean government restricting your travel? Hopefully, they don't monitor your email messages too. Anyways, just hire someone like Fed-Ex to get you the dough. They'll have it to you by the next business day. Then you don't have to go through all the trouble of getting my personal contact information, then placing the $$$ in my bank account, then travelling to Canada to murder me (I'm assuming that's the crux of your evil plot, right?)

Anyways, if that doesn't work for you, how about this: I recently killed my spouse, the evil dictator Ghasiniwue Niethwerasponn the Seventh, who lived in Yasterwininstein County, Utah. She took out an insurance policy for -- as luck would have it -- US$39m (million). But wouldn't you know it -- the damned Tazariennneiunsom government won't let me withdraw the money unless I contact an obscure stranger by email. So if you take my money, I'll take yours. Deal?

Yours truly,
Resheonwnin McUstinoveriwehjskin Jr.

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From:Mrs Jane Mupesa 4/ 6 8:45
Subject: From Mrs Jane
Attachment(s): 16521058.htm <6k>
Page 1/ 6

Dear Resheonwnin McUstinoveriwehjskin Jr,

Sir,

Thank you very much for your devoted willingness to assist me to secure my funds which was deposited by my late husband Mr Ndoga Mupesa with a security company in Europe, I will like to let you know that since I left Zimbabwe it has not been easy for me and my children as we were confined in the refugee camp here in Cotonou, Republic of Benin for our dear life.

I do not have a free access to telephone calls,but i will try and call you,

For the claim of the funds from the Finance House in Europe, I would like you to work hand in hand with Barrister Peter T George who is a pastor in my church here and equally a legal practitioner.

You will be required to contact him, As you contact him, he will send you all the neccesary documents concerning the deposited funds and advise you about the steps to take to get the funds from the finance house.

He will equally process a letter of athority or power of attorney on your behalf which is your legal authorisation to claim the funds as the beneficiary.

His contacts are as follows,

BARRISTER P.T.GEORGE ESQ.
TEL +229 40 86 63.MOBILE TEL +37 747 604 406.
EMAIL,ptassociates2002@yahoo.com

Try and contact him and let me know, I will be waiting for your urgent response.

Please kindly forward your family pictures to me as I have forwarded my family pictures to you.

Warm Regards,

Mrs Jane Mupesa.

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Dear Mrs. Mupesa,

As per your request, I have contacted Barrister Peter T George and asked him about the money. It was a long-distance call; did you know that? Not a huge deal, I called after 7 p.m. He was pleasant to speak with, but seemed nervous, on edge almost, as if lifting funds from Zimbabwean scam companies wasn't an everyday occurrence.

This is how we left it: he wants YOU to come to Canada and deliver the money to me yourself. His exact words, I believe, were "I'm a lawyer AND a pastor! I can't do both jobs perfectly. Let Mrs. Jane Mupesa do some of the work, for pete's sake!" He may have just been upset about the Pope's recent passing: I couldn't tell.

I checked the travel website priceline.com (they advertise "Name Your Own Price"; perhaps you've seen some of the television commercials with William Shatner?), and these look to be your safest travel options: (A) Via tugboat, which would take approximately six (6) days from Zimbabwe, (B) Hot air balloon or (C) Sneaking into the Canadian border at 3 a.m. (not always recommended).

Let me know how you intend to proceed. I look forward to meeting you once and for all (andalsogettingmycash). Cheers!

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(I am missing an email here from her, from mid-April)
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Dearest Jane (Can I call you Jane? And if I can't, what are you going to do about it?)

Bulldog here. Look, let's cut the crap. You're telling me you're in a refugee camp... and yet you can send e-mail? Quite the posh refugee camp! Me, I got captured in 1998 and they wouldn't even let me have water, but you get Yahoo Mail? How are the caviar lunches and free iPods over there? Must be nice, Mrs. Jane Mupesa. Come on; my ex-wife comes up with better excuses than that!

You should develop a television reality show where ten people live in the same house, and the only way they can leave is by scamming someone into sending along their bank account information. If NBC green-lights that, I want a producer credit....

And I told you in the last email, but obviously you're too STUPID to read it: I called your friend BARRISTER P.T.GEORGE ESQ. already. He told me the real deal here. He sold you out, lady! The scam is up!!!

So here's what's going to happen: I want from you to keep this away from the "tabloids". I want you drop it off at my house TONIGHT (you know where I live; don't pretend you don't!) In return, we'll pretend that this whole phony e-mail conversation never happened. Well, actually, I'll remember this one for a
while; especially the part where I referenced C-3PO about two messages back.

But there will be no further trouble if you follow my instructions. And remember, you have forty-eight hours to find the clock tower . I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but it *sounds* eerie, doesn't it?

Peace, out!
Resheonwnin McUstinoveriwehjskin Jr.

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From:•Mrs Jane Mupesa 6/ 2 9:09
Subject: COMPENSATION.
Attachment(s): 23804175.htm <1k> Page 1/ 3

Dear Resheonwnin McUstinoveriwehjskin Jr,

I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Paraguay. I am in Paraguay for the investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Mean while, I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how and I am sorry for what happened in the past.

Now contact the secretary of my lawyer in Benin her name is Mrs Glory Tinto, and her email address:- glorytinto@yahoo.fr ask her to send you the Bank Draft, total sum of US$800.000.00 which I kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much. So feel free and get in touched with his secretary Mrs Glory Tinto and instruct her where to send the amount to you.

Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy after all the suffer ness at that time. At present, I m in Paraguay, meanwhile, with the new partner and we are working in hand to hand in Paraguay to see that the funds are well invest, finally, I had forwarded instruction to the secretar on your behalf to receive the money, so feel free to get in touch with Mrs Glor Tinto, she will send the amount to you without any delay.

Regards,
Mrs Jane Mupeas.

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Dear Ms. Mupesa (or is it "Mupeas"? Can't you even spell your own damn name correctly? Moron.),

Thank you for getting back to me about the money I am rightfully owed. Yes, I DID go through a lot of work to try to transfer the funds from wherever your scam is based, and what did it get me? Nothing!!!

So you're in Paraguay now... how's the weather there? Things are okay here in the T-Dot, although I hear it may rain this weekend. I was really hoping to have a picnic or something, but now I'm not going to even attempt it. Don't you hate when that happens? How are the kids?

Anyways, about the dough -- can you not just place it all in a brown paper bag, meet me somewhere, and let's be done with it already! I don't want to deal with banks anymore. I'm sick of these Canadian banks, what with earnings season being
done and all (and what did you think about RBC raising its dividend again? Pretty impressive, huh?) Surely the laws in Paraguay are much more lax than wherever it was you were imprisoned before, no?

All I'm saying is, I don't want to keep emailing other people to get my rightful inheritance of US$800.000.00. It was an inheritance, right? Aren't you the one whose deceased husband was an Uzbekihstani King? Or do I have my shams mixed up again?

I'm sure Mrs. Glory Tinto is helluva person and everything -- I just don't want to deal with yet ANOTHER middleman. Ya dig? Holla back,

Resheonwnin McUstinoveriwehjskin Jr. (a/k/a "Rusty")