Film Review - "The Simpsons Movie"

Okay - so I'm going to try to get through this without giving way ANY spoilers. It's going to be hard, but I realize not EVERYONE in the world went to see it opening night.

So let me put it this way: If you are a Simpsons fan, you are going to love this. If you're a hardcore fan, even more so. The jokes here are almost "rewards" for longtime fans, because they answer a lot of questions (without ACTUALLY answering them) and give the viewer a lot of moments they've waiting a long time to see. At least, that was my experience.

(Also, my sister-in-law, who HATES the Simpsons, was coerced into going, and I could definitely see her smiling and giggling at certain parts. So there's that as well.)

I went with a group of twelve others, and it made for a much more enjoyable experience. Honestly, this isn't the type of film where watching it on a DVD will do it justice (though I fully intend on buying the DVD) - it's hard to explain why a cartoon would have that effect, but it just DOES.

The only weak spot is that I thought there would be more cameo appearances by celebrities, and there were only a handful. Not that that REALLY took away from my enjoyment of it, but that's just something I thought would be a given.

At just short of 90 minutes, the film isn't the longest either. But look at this way -- it's the length of THREE Simpsons episodes, and there ain't nothing wrong with that.

In short let me just say: Woo-hoo! U-S-A! U-S-A! Screw Flanders.

The Missing "Breaking News"

(Early) July 2007. The world of wrestling was in a tumultous state, as just weeks earlier Mr. McMahon had perished on television. It was a time that was both tragic and rife for parody-style articles for someone such as myself.

That said... obviously this article never saw the light of the day because the Benoit tragedies were made public one day before this was scheduled to run. Not that one really had to do with the other, but it was a good call in light of the tragic real-life situation. Still, I figured enough time has passed now where I could at least publish it here.

No, it has nothing to do with the Benoit family; just poking a little fun at Vinnie Mac... and some other guy.




Breaking News: Orton Unaware McMahon's Death A "Work"

By Canadian Bulldog, World Wrestling Insanity News

(Wilkes-Barre, PA) - "Legend Killer" Randy Orton remains the sole employee within World Wrestling Entertainment that hasn't yet been informed that Chairman Vince McMahon didn't actually perish in a fiery limousine explosion.

"At first, it was just kind of a rib," explained backstage agent Arn Anderson. "All of us had a good laugh watching Randy cry out in horror when he thought that Vince was really dead."

The June 11 incident, played out on WWE's flagship program Monday Night Raw, saw McMahon allegedly step into his limousine before it exploded. Orton tore himself away from oiling up his chest long enough to watch the segment from a nearby monitor.

The third-generation superstar then berated several employees who didn't appear to be mourning the loss of their company's founder.

"What the hell are you laughing about, Ric Flair?" Orton chided 16-time world champion Ric Flair during a post-show dinner. "What are you laughing about? The hell are you laughing about? Sure, there were times where I wished he was dead, too, Ric Flair, but you don't see me acting all happy about it."

WWE officials were initially going to let Orton in on the joke, but couldn't resist the comedic possibilities of avoiding doing so.

"I felt kind of bad about deceiving him, especially after he came over and hugged me like that," admitted Vince's son Shane McMahon. "But then when he vowed not to rest until the real killers were found... I mean, how many times does this kind of a prank just fall into your lap?"

The rib continued on the next week, when Orton was mock-interrogated backstage by special investigator Daniel Beck for more than two hours.

"I did not assassinate Mr. McMahon, Daniel Beck" Orton said in a segment that will appear on WWE 24/7 next month. "I did not! I didn't assassinate him, Daniel Beck!"

The company went so far as to stage a mock funeral for McMahon, purely for the benefit of ribbing Orton, in a conference room at WWE's Titan Towers complex. Longtime McMahon employee Howard Finkel even asked Orton to deliver a eulogy.

"We will not forget the legacy of Vince McMahon," said a somber Orton, as employees bit their lips in order to hold back laughter. "We will not forget, Vince McMahon! We won't forget your legacy!"

The fun was almost spoiled, however, when McMahon himself accidentally walked into the conference room to prepare for a later meeting. WWE official Sgt. Slaughter explained to Orton that it was not Vince, but instead his long-lost identical cousin Vance McMahon.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Vance McMahon," explained a confused Orton as he introduced himself to his employer of five years. "A pleasure! It is a sheer pleasure to meet you, Vance McMahon. Your cousin would have been proud - you look just like him, only pudgier."

In an unrelated development, Orton has been transferred to Friday Night SmackDown, where he will travel with John Bradshaw Layfield and will job repeatedly to Hornswaggle.

-30-

Latest "Breaking News"

Ron Simmons Draws Rave Reviews For One-Man, One-Word Stage Show

Catching Up With The Plugs, etc.

Hey, guys. Apologies - I can't believe it's been more than two weeks since I've updated this blog! A couple of columns worth checking out:

The Boogeyman Joins Cast Of "The Office"

Breaking News: Kamala Hasn't "Ruled Out" Presidential Run

The True Wrestling Story Of John Cena

Also, just another plug for my "Complete and Utter Bulldog" audio show, available through Club WWI. A show is going up shortly that has me, out-of-character, ranting on the so-called "wrestling media". I know I'm shameless with the plugs, but I do feel this one is worth your time.

June FitnessBlog

During the month of June, I worked out a total of.... 16 times, which I'm thinking has got to be just about my average level these days.

Film Review - "Live Free And Die Hard"

Oh, man, this one really hit the spot. I've been having a weekend from hell, where I've been called into work BOTH Saturday and Sunday (and with the Canada Day long weekend here, I wouldn't be shocked if I also had to work Monday as well). So myself and some friends head up north to Sharon, Ontario (quite a bit north of Toronto) for an old-fashioned drive-in. Yes, this is the same place I saw "Spider Man 3" at a few months ago.

The difference being that, this time, we were able to camp out in front of our cars (at least until the temperature REALLY started dropping), which made for a much, much cooler experience. Unfortunately, we only got to see about one quarter of the "Fantastic 4" movie that was scheduled to take place after (so I guess it was "Fantastic 1"?), but damned if Die Hard didn't make up for it.

The franchise has aged quite nicely over the years, with John McLain as his usual, wisecracking, bad-ass self. In fact, I can draw a lot of conclusions to the unstoppable McLain and the unstoppable John Cena, but perhaps that's an argument for another day.

This was a total popcorn flick (luckily we had lots of popcorn. Also, beer), and I mean that in the best sense of the world. Were the stunts realistic? Hell no. Were the special effects anything to write home about? Not really. Did I want to strangle McLain's new twenty-something sidekick (the guy from the "I'm a Mac" commercials; I don't recall his name and am too lazy to check IMDB so he'll remain the "Mac Guy" for now)? Definitely

So why did I like about it. The film didn't try to stretch or even stray from the formula that brought it to the dance. This was Bruce Willis killing people, narrowly escaping disaster and cracking one-liners all the way. And it all reminded me how underrated this whole series really is....

If nothing else, it was far better than the first 35 minutes or so of "Fantastic 4".....