Latest ITR

Give Me a Break!

If you're like me, you learned much of your early vocabulary from listening to Gorilla Monsoon. If you're like me, this also means that you routinely use the phrase "External Occipital Protuberance" and have absolutely no idea how to accurately use the word "literally" in a sentence. And if you're NOT like me? Well, then I say fie on you! But the Canadian Bulldog is an entirely more patient and forgiving fellow, and today, he's here with a throwback column. It's 1986 all over again, and as a bonus: yep, it's your own trusty "Monsoon-to-English" dictionary! Check out Bulldog's very latest (or possibly 21-year-old) Inside the Ropes.

Latest True Wrestling Story

The Four Horsemen

Raw main event

Now... Michaels-Cena was the match that should have headlined WrestleMania. I know, I know - it WAS the match that headlined Mania, only this one was much more intense and interesting. Plus the decision made a hell of a lot of sense as well. Best free television match I've seen in some time.

Obviously, a lot of that was Michaels doing his thing, but you have to give credit to Cena as well for hanging in there and putting on a good show. I'm becoming more and more of Cena fan, as more and more people start to despise him....

Bull & Dog's Bogus Journey

So some of you in the Toronto area may have heard of the subway accident last night that resulted in a fatality. It also resulted in closing down chunk of my route to work today (less important, I suppose, in the grand scheme of things). I was unaware of any problem this morning until I arrived at York Mills station (at which point the PA system instructed us to leave the subway and continue downtown via a shuttle bus).

Now.... the shuttle service wasn't horrible because this was about 6:15 in the morning. Bottom line, I ended up about a half-hour late for work, which could have been a LOT worse, particularly if I'd left during the morning rush hour. The stoppage only affected service at three stations - York Mills, Lawrence and Eglinton - before going back to the subway.

By mid-afternoon, I'd heard that those stations were still out of service, and so I was working on a big plan. Assuming that there would be a huge lineup for the shuttle buses on the way home, I planned on taking the subway to Eglinton and then walking the three stops in between. Then, of course, it started pouring outside, stopping only shortly before I left work.

I armed myself with some emergency supplies: an umbrella I swiped from the closet and two (2) packages of peanut M&M's. The subway ride, just to Eglinton, took about 30 minutes as it dragged along because of the problems uptown. Then I got out of the subway and started on my journey. To say it was a little longer than I'd expected was an understatement.

Now, I just mapquested it, and it's only a distance of 2.7 miles between the three stops. But adding to that were (a) the humidity out there with the rain drying up and (b) the fact that I was wearing a suit and leather shoes, and it didn't seem like such a hot idea after a while.

Bottom line, I left work at 5:30 and was home by 7:30, only 90 minutes longer than my normal commute. This is TOTALLY counting as my gym visit for the day....

Video Of The Week

Oooh, yeah! Macho Man trying to imitate Mankind. Freak out, freak out!

Film Review - Three-quarters of "Two For The Money"

Why three-quarters of a film review? Why the hell not?

Actually, the truth is, I started watching the film last night, and literally as it got to the climactic scene, the DVD stopped working on me. It was one of the many bootleg $1.50 apiece DVD's I've picked up lately, so I wasn't fuming, but a little disappointed.

For the first three-quarters of the film, at least, it's a really interesting premise. Matthew McConaughey has a gift for picking football games, and he's recruited to a multimillion dollar sports-betting agency in New York run by Al Pacino (and to a lesser extent, Rene Russo). Pacino turns McConaughey's down-home Brandon into the brash, confident, cussing John Anthony, making him a superstar on the sports-betting circuit, if there is such a thing. And Jeremy Piven does a tremendous job, essentially reprising his Ari Gold character with slightly more humility, as the former top game-picker in Pacino's crew.

But then.... just as Brandon's fortunes are starting to turn for the worse... the fucking disc gives out on me. So now the question becomes: did I like this movie enough to actually rent the DVD so I can see the last 20 minutes or so? Or do I just give up? Anyone out there seen this? I know it's kind of an obscure flick....

Latest ITR

Why, Punk, Why?

Last week, CM Punk upset fans everywhere when he joined ECW's "New Breed." Why would he do such a thing? Perhaps because Coke is for fogeys, and all the Cool Kids want to be a part of the Pepsi Generation? Eh, probably not. But with our Intrepid Investigative Reporter, the Canadian Bulldog, on the scent of this scoop, you know he'll leave no stone unturned. No matter how ridiculous it might sound to you, the average "Smart Fan," at home. Bulldog's got lots about punk, and he'll even leave you chanting "That was Awesome *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*" as he brings you up to speed on this new thing called "RDH" in his very latest Inside the Ropes.

Office Awesomeness

The Office Line Of The Night

"Today, I saved a man's life. My own. Am I hero?............ I can't say, but yes."

Not a stellar episode, but between the safety sketch, the side-bets going on around Dunder-Mifflin and Stanley's priceless reaction to his car being water-meloned, this had more than enough enjoyable stuff. Not sure how I feel about the return of Andy/Drew, although Dwight's "unshun/reshun" bit was cute.

Latest "Wrestling With Literature"

Five Faces of Foley?

"But Online Onslaught dot com," I hear you shouting, "There were only THREE faces of Foley." Well, sure. But we're not here today to talk about Mick's three on-screen personas. We're here to talk about Mick's five highly-successful forays into writing. Easily standing tall as WWE's Greatest Author (both in terms of subjective talent, and by a wide margin in terms of objective sales figures), Foley has penned 2 novels and 3 autobiographies in the past 8 years. The Canadian Bulldog has read 'em all, and is here to get you up to speed on which ones you need to rush out and buy (note: it's pretty much all five of them) in his very latest edition of Inside the Ropes.

DVD Review - "Ric Flair & The Four Horsemen"

So I woke up sick today and stayed home from work, yet I found the strength to make it downstairs to the record store and buy this DVD. Does that make me a bad person?

Anyways, I watched through the documentary portion today (which probably clocked in at about 2 hours) and it's outstanding. I always wonder how they can make documentaries that are non-WWE-centric (eg The Road Warriors DVD) and still manage to paint a somewhat-accurate account of the group?

Well, they've done it again, re-telling the classic story of how Ric Flair, Tully Blanchard and Ole and Arn Anderson began teaming up in the mid-1980's, and take us straight though to the group's final days more than a decade later. Although there are some parts I would have liked to see more of (eg Barry Windham dressed up as Sting), it manages to paint a pretty complete picture of the gang and their feuds with Magnum T.A., Dusty Rhodes, Sting, etc.

One really interesting thing is that they start discussing Paul Roma's run as a Horseman, which Arn Anderson dismisses as something the office wanted to do. Even Triple H comments that it didn't make sense to give the spot to a WWE "job guy". But then... you have interview footage from PAUL ROMA himself saying that although he probably shouldn't have been in the group... he was MUCH BETTER than Flair and company. Classic!

They do manage to diss Jeff Jarrett, Lex Luger, Debra and Sid Vicious at various stages, but at least it's not because WWE is made to look like the saviors). If anything, the WWE stints of the Brainbusters, Flair, Windham and Dillon are glossed over.

The voices range from the usual WWE suspects (Eric Bischoff, Mean Gene, Michael Hayes, Rick Steamboat, Dusty Rhodes, Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Shawn Michaels, Dean Malenko, Chris Benoit, Triple H) to people you wouldn't necessarily expect to hear on here, such as the aforementioned Roma, Tully Blanchard, Barry Windham and James J. Dillon, whom I thought was in TNA).

Overall, it's a really interesting story that shows how SIMPLE good storytelling can be if features some intelligent guys that are given a decent ball to run with. As for the features, I've just started out with them, but one match (Ricky Morton vs. Flair in a cage) is just amazing so far....

Latest Column

Dear Vinnie Ru: Practical Advice That'z Based On REALITY!!!

Film Review - "The Departed"

Yes, I know. Another film that EVERYONE BUT ME has already seen, but figured I'd weigh in on it nonetheless. This was another of those films I picked up for about 2 bucks at the local DVD bootlegging mall, originally as a "gift" for my parents, but now that they've seen it, it was returned to me.

The premise behind "The Departed" is somewhat unique, in that you have two characters that are literally playing polar opposites of each other. The differences are pointed out often enough by Scorcese, and while it's kept simple enough so that anyone can see it, it's also intriguing enough to make you want to see where things are going.

The cast is fantastic, and I have to say that it's one of Matt Damon's better performances to date. Everyone else (Sheen, Nicholson, Baldwin, even Leo and Wahlberg) you've come to expect good things from, but Damon is generally hit or miss for me. He nailed the character perfectly.

The ending (which I won't give away, just in case there's someone out there who hasn't seen this yet) was vintage Scorcese: bloody, brutal and definitely surprising. I certainly didn't see that last twist coming.

Bottom line: I could definitely see this as one of those movies (A Few Good Men, The Shawshank Redemption, A Time To Kill) that I could turn to whenever it's showing on TBS or one of those all-weekend film channels. Very watchable.

Latest ITR

OH MY BLOG~!

These days, every Tom, Dick, and Harry is under the misapprehension that he is interesting and special enough to have his own 15 minutes of personalized fame. [Note: 99% of them aren't. I blame Time Magazine for actually encouraging these tards by naming them "Persons of the Year" last year.] But blogs? They ain't going nowhere, and today, we'll consider that a good thing. Because the Canadian Bulldog is here to regale us with a minute-by-minute account of every minor detail and observation from his night spent watching WrestleMania 23. Not only will you find out EXACTLY how Bulldog spent the blissful 6-second-entirety of the Ashley/Melina match, but his blogomentary is also accompanied by a full PHOTO ESSAY~! Enjoy Bulldog's latest Inside the Ropes.

Junk Mail BONANZA~!

Is it just me, or has Hotmail become INCREASINGLY laden with junk mail? I already have my spam settings set to the highest level, and I am still getting a dozen or so junk emails daily in my main inbox. I would have abandoned that address a long time ago had I not been advertising "canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com" for four-plus years. It's insane.

Book Review - Cell by Stephen King

At the risk of sounding like the back cover of one of his many books, "Cell" is vintage Stephen King.

The premise is interesting: Imagine if most of the world turned into zombies after answering an errant cellphone call. The ones lucky enough not to answer their cells ("normies", as they're called) are forced to fend for themselves, travelling in the dark on their own, or in packs, as the zombie-like creatures gain more power with each growing day. The main character, Clay Riddell, is not only trying to survive this madness, but also find out whether his young son survived the "pulse" that has seemingly wiped out millions, so that personally plays on some of my own fears (not that my son has ever been stalked my zombies, but.... you know what I mean).

The book keeps a lively pace, with new twists and turns along the way. Some really interesting characters are brought in that you think will be in it for the long-haul. But often as it turns out, not so much.

The only one complaint I had was with the ending (literally the last sentence and the words he writes directly after that). Without spoiling it for anyone, I was on a plan en route to Montreal reading this last page, and without exaggeration, I sat staring at that one page for a good 15 minutes, trying to figure out what had just happened. I still don't for sure, which I suppose was done by design (though, if you look up the Wikipedia page for "Cell", it claims that King does explain it.)

But that uncertainty what could have been one of my favorite King books, and turned it into a head-shaker. I'd still recommend it, just not enthusiastically so.

Latest "Breaking News"

Ric Flair Suffers Breakdown; No One Knows The Difference


(There is also a link to EXCLUSIVE bonus content for Club WWI members as well.)

WrestleMania 23 Thoughts

I already shared my thoughts about this last night on Club WWI, but to those who don't subscribe, here's what I thought:

Money In The Bank: I was surprised that Edge didn't take this one (one of 5 predictions I was wrong on, to boot), but Kennedy wasn't a bad second choice at all. This wasn't quite as powerful as the previous two MITB's, though I did like that there was no wasted time in there at all, so very well choreographed. Also there were a couple of memorable spots, between Jeff Hardy breaking Edge's back through that ladder and Kennedy destroying Hornswaggle.

Kane vs. Great Khali: Exactly as expected; no more, no less. Kind of insulting that they compared this to Hogan-Andre, though. One of the matches I got right.

Chris Benoit vs. MVP: A much better showing than I figured MVP would give us, so good on him for keeping up with Benoit. Again, not the ending I expected, but I can't really complain too much because the announce team put over Benoit big-time.

Batista vs. The Undertaker: Another one I got right, much like 99 percent of the world. Still, this was better than it had any right to be. Though I'm not a Taker fan, per se (sorry RK), buddy worked his ass off, and it was easily the best performance he's had since Kurt Angle over a year ago. Batista had some nice spots as well, though it was clearly Taker carrying the match.

New ECW vs. Old New ECW: I thought the point for this was to, you know, do some hardcore spots or something here. Guess not. I did NOT see Van Dam et al winning this one, but it wasn't anyone's best effort or anything.

Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga: You know this one was choreographed and overbooked to death, but who cares? They did a fantastic job of playing to everyone's strengths, and Lashley looked huge in winning here, which was what I was hoping the end point would be here. Both guys took uncharactertistically good bumps, and my respect for Umaga grows by the PPV. Plus, Austin stunning Trump? I called for it, but didn't really think we would be so lucky as to actually see it. Good show, men. And for those keeping score at home, the last one of the night I'd call correctly.


Ashley vs. Melina: Whatevs.

John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels: In a word, underwhelming. I would have rather they started out with more back and forth, as would the crowd have. As a result, they lost the audience with the sloooooow pace, and never quite got them back. Don't get me wrong, after the first 10 minutes or so, things started cooking, and Michaels' piledriver of Cena on the steps was absolutely SICK, but I think these two guys were capable of doing so much better. Plus, as I ask at the end of virtually every PPV, why Cena? It's not that I dislike him, but maybe after holding the belt "20 of the last 24 months", it's time to give someone else a chance, no? And where do they go from here?

Overall, this doesn't QUITE match up to last year's Mania, but not a terrible show, either. Plus you had the Cryme Tyme/Eugene/Extreme Expose/Fabulous Moolah/Mae Young/Slick/Jimmy Hart/Dusty Rhodes/Mean Gene/Gerry Brisco/Pat Patterson/IRS/Ricky Steamboat (!) dance party, which is a vignette I wouldn't have believed was happening had you told me about it 24 hours earlier.

March FitnessBlog

Last month, I had 14 visits to the gym/workouts at home.

And no, that's not my attempt at an April Fool's Day joke, either. Between travelling to Halifax, Montreal and New York this month, I just haven't had a ton of time to hit the gym. And I'm definitely feeling the effects, especially after a junk food-filled day visiting the sister in London, Ontario.

The good news is, next month just has to look better than March....