Movie Review - The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Keep in mind, that title doesn't mean "a movie review BY a 40-year-old virgin." I'm not even 32 yet.

Anyways, on with the film.... Steve Carell has a knack for playing the meek, unwordly Best Buy-type store clerk. I'll definitely give him that -- he has talent, and whenever he says something that doesn't fit that stereotype, it can be hilarious. I wouldn't mind seeing him in more character actor-type roles, but as a leading man.... I don't think he has what it takes. Kind of like the Jack Black rule of 2003.

The film has an interesting premise, with Carell's friends trying to help him lose his virginity (watch for a brief cameo by the ex-Mrs. DDP, Kimberly Page) until he meets a character played by Catherine Keener (whom, for whatever reason, I can't STAND. Every time she says something, in any film I've seen her in, I want to throw a brick at the screen.) and decides he wants to abstain indefinitely.

So that part is interesting enough. But when they launch into long, complex and overly-detailed subplots of all his friends, it just takes away from the film. By the time I'd left the theater (and this was after, I kid you not, 30 f'ng minutes of previews!), I felt as if I had watched an entire season of a TV series, not a movie. There was just way too much material, and not all of it very good.

Don't get me wrong -- there were a few genuine laughs, and as I said, Carell works in his role. I just can't believe people are comparing this to, say, Wedding Crashers, as being the summer's funniest film. No contest there.

Another Glowing Book Review

Folks, I couldn't even STOP the great reviews from rolling in if I tried. Here's one written today from some guy named Rick Scaia at Online Onslaught (I'm sure I've heard of the site before, but when?):

You should, obviously, be familiar with Bulldog's "Letters From a Nut" series, as they have appeared in column form. They are some of my favorite columns from the past 12 months. Hell, they've even gotten *me* in trouble on one or two occasions, because people somehow think *I* should be held responsible for Bulldog making them look stupid. And I couldn't be happier to e-mail back saying, "Hey, it's your fault for falling for it, and plus: I DON'T EVEN KNOW BULLDOG'S REAL NAME, so if you think I'm somehow his keeper, you got it all wrong, Jesus Aguilera! Or possibly Jesus Aguilera's Webmaster! I forget which of you was the dimbulb in that case!". Good times, good times.

So you should also, obviously, crave having all these letters to wrestling superstars (and semi-stars) -- along with their responses back to Bulldog where applicable -- collected into one handsome volume. As an added bonus? Several never before seen letters. Also: full illustrations, many of which have not appeared on OO. And I'm still trying to figure out if we need to take up a collection to have Jeb Lund institutionalized or not after reading his exclusive Foreword to the book.

In other words: you have tons and tons of PROVEN gOOdness, finally collected all in one place. And you have tons of NEW gOOdness that you've never seen before, but which I'm vouching for. Why wouldn't you Buy The Book? Huh? Why not?

This complete stranger seems to make a lot of sense. Listen to The Rick and get yourself a copy.... BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

SummerSlam Thoughts

As has become the norm this year, my prognosticative powers failed me, as I believe I nailed only 5 of the 8 matches (which is better than most of the PPV's this year, but still pretty lousy, when at least 2 out of the 3 I got wrong were darkhorse pics).

Chris Benoit vs. Orlando Jordan
Exactly what the doctor ordered. An unexpected surprise at the same time.

Matt Hardy vs. Edge
Don't quite understand the finish, though I guess they're going for realism here. I would have preferred to see a no-contest, though, rather than a relatively simple victory for Edge at this stage.

Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero
The right finish, I suppose, even though I picked Eddie to win. Some awesome spots here, and easily the best match of their series. You have to think, though, why does security keep letting family members interfere?

Eugene vs. Kurt Angle
Way shorter than it should have been, though I can appreciate that they had to end this one quickly given how fast the crowd turned on Eugene.

Undertaker vs. Randy Orton
Easily Orton's best match to date; as much as I hate to say it, the kid has improved in between injuries. Great finish as well, though I thought for sure the man in the disguise would have been Muhammad Hassan.

John Cena vs. Chris Jericho
Crazy crowd reactions here, which shows me how over both of these guys are. Finish was well-planned too. Surprised Bischoff or Carlito didn't figure in the match somehow.

Batista vs. JBL
Exactly as expected, no more no less. Though the Batista Bomb on the steps WAS a brutal spot. Where does Batista go from here, though? A feud with Eddie?

Hulk Hogan vs. Shawn Michaels
On one hand, it was Hogan's best match in a looooong time, so give Michaels his due for carrying The Hulkster to such a watchable (and lengthy) bout. But HBK was overselling like crazy -- we're talking Mr. Perfect territory here, and it really was unnecessary.

But I can live with the fact that Hogan win, even though I called for Michaels. What I don't understand is the respect angle at the end. Unless they're counting on a really novel way for Michaels to re-turn heel tomorrow, then I just don't get it. Michaels was an AWESOME heel over the past six weeks. If this angle ends now, it was all for nothing. Especially if he's a face again, which is my biggest fear.

Overall, a very good show, though. Easily the best this year since Mania.

Latest ITR

Celebrating a Shammiversary!




Two years ago this week, the intrepid Canadian Bulldog joined the staff of Oldline Onslut, and things haven't been the same since. To celebrate, Bulldog unravels some of mankind's strangest mysteries (including moon landing hoaxes and cracking the DaHunter Code!), and also has some exclusive SummerSlam preview tidbits.


Inside The Ropes

Another reason to watch WWE 24/7

Sorry I'm such a shill for this VOD service, but I can't help it. So far, this channel is nothing but awesome. This week, I watched:

TUESDAY NIGHT TITANS CIRCA JANUARY 1985!!!

Among the highlights:

- A "training video" of Hulk Hogan training showing the ropes to a green Hillbilly Jim (with "Real American" dubbed over the actual music for some reason; must have been "Eye of the Tiger" or something).
- Vertically challenged superstar Sky Low Low making an appearance on Vince's couch. Not only was he interviewed, but they showed clips of him at Mad Dog Vachon's wedding. I'd never seen this before, but honestly, the wedding is funny on so many levels. Jesse Ventura and Freddie Blassie steal Sky Low Low's ring (he was the ringbearer). Then, during the wedding reception (which just had wrestlers dressed in street clothes), Dr. D David Schultz pushed Sky Low Low into the cake. Awesome stuff.
- An interview with The Executioner, who was wearing a mask and normal street clothes (something out of the 1979 Sears catalog, actually). Then, they showed a recent clip of him in action, in which he was wearing a COMPLETELY different mask. Hilarious.
- An interview with former ring announcer Mel Phillips, best known for later allegedly diddling little boys.
- An interview with the newly-turned Captain Lou Albano, who had recently clashed with Rowdy Roddy Piper over allegations the Captain was stealing donation money he was collection for MS. I admit; there's a storyline I'd never seen before.
- We close with Vince putting Lord Alfred Hayes in a barber chair and threatening to cut his hair to set up next week's featured segment, Bobby Heenan giving a hair cutting demonstration (this was right after the Heenan/Patera/Studd cuts Andre The Giant's hair storyline, you see).

Tremendous stuff. I can't wait until next month's lineup, which includes the 10 year "anniversary" of Nitro (even though its been off the year for four of those years) and The Big Event, which took place right here in Toronto back in 1986.

The reviews keep pouring in!

Derek Burgan of the Pro Wrestling Torch was kind enough to review the number-one bestseller Thanks For The Compliment!!! on the Torch's website. Check it out!

SmackDown Spoilers

I attended last night, and if you're interested in seeing what happened, the results are here.

Movie Review - The Aristocrats

First things first -- this is NOT the similarly-sounding Disney film, I assure you that much.

What is it about (as, at least here in Toronto, this particular flick is playing on limited screens)? This is a documentary about one of the longest-running jokes in the world, one that reportedly got its start in Vaudeville and is a perennial favorite among some of the biggest comedians around.

What's the joke? I, er, can't repeat it here. It's definitely not Disney material, let me put it that way.

Is it funny? Uh, no. Not particularly.

How can they spend 90-plus minutes deconstructing the joke, then? Great question. I was having those same thoughts myself, roughly ten minutes into the film. There is no action, per se, other than the odd funnyman standing up and telling the joke with animated motions. Otherwise it's basically a stationary camera filming what has to be dozens of comedians, ranging from Don Rickles to Robin Williams and George Carlin to Chris Rock (no Seinfeld, Cosby or Roseanne, but really, they're the exceptions); picture an R-rated version of one those Comic Relief specials from way back when, and you have a pretty good idea of who's involved.

Here's the thing: the joke still isn't that funny, despite hearing different variations by Bob Saget (wow, Bob Saget mentioned twice in the same week on this blog, in two entirely different references. How's about that?), Drew Carey, Paul Reiser, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling, the cast of South Park, The Onion's editorial staff, etc. But the WAY the story is told and the build-up to the (admittedly lame-ass) punchline; THAT'S funny.

I will admit; this is definitely not a film for everyone. Some very gross and offensive humor uttered by those you'd never picture saying such things (again, Bob Saget comes to mind). And while I wouldn't urge people to rush out to see it on the big screen -- there's just not enough funny material to justify 1/12 hours -- you might want to rent it when it comes to video.

Stu Stone/Jamie Kennedy concert

Went to see my bud (and frequent ITR target) Stuart Stone last night in Toronto as part of Jamie Kennedy's hip hop tour. I've got to give them both credit -- they have just signed a deal with MTV for some sort of rap reality show, and I wish them both the best of luck on it, particularly Stu, whom I've known since I used to piledrive him as a child (I was young back then, too, so its not nearly as bad as it sounds).

We arrived at the York Event Theatre (a refurbished movie house that's become sort of a high-class ballroom) at 8 p.m. and the place was PACKED! I'm talking, we had to wait outside for a good half an hour, which has been a rarity in my past experiences at a Stu Stone/Stone Movement show (no offense, Stu). But the crowd was an odd one. Lots of people there "to be seen", a mix of agent wannabe's, model wannabe's and more ho's than a trip to Canadian Tire (sorry, I had to get that in. It sounded much funnier before I typed it out, trust me). And then there was us, a group of longtime Stu Stone "marks".

Well, we waited till past 11 for "the main event" and Jamie and Stu, and it wasn't a bad show. They've definitely got the showmanship down pat, and the music is catchy (if not a little "out there" and "offensive"). A few comedy sketches in between the songs, including Stu's attempt to get a "Canada vs. USA" angle going (Hart Foundation 97, it wasn't), helped move things along, and of course, they closed with the Bob Saget "Rollin' With Saget" song. Bob, unfortunately wasn't there for his part; thankfully, Dave Coulier was (kidding. It was just sampled).

All in all, not a bad little show. If the tour comes to your town, definitely check it out. Oh, and I have some pics of the show here. They're not great, though, as my flashizzle was on the fritzizzle. Word!

Bizarre Search Engine Inquiries

I haven't done this for a while here, so I figured 'what the hell?'. For the uninitiated, these are some of the keywords that people have used to arrive at this here blog. For most of you, I am truly, truly sorry. To wit:

• "louie debrusk 2005" (Considering I don't even watch hockey all that much, an odd one
• "Kane Vs Undertaker Full Match WMV" (Uh, yeah. That isn't here.)
• "Crush Cream Soda" (Hahaha! That was my bottlecap liner complaint a little while ago, too bad there's no Crush-related information here.)
• "pinstripe vaughan mills" (a clothing store I mentioned once, like eight months ago)
• "Cinzia Bret's wife" (huh?)
• "bret hart Cinzia marriage" (Oh... Bret Hart. Still don't know how that leads you here...)
• "contact email address of mr and mrs marks in all country's yahoomail hotmail" ( Mr. and Mrs. Marks aren't here, man.)
• "SHANNON MCNEILL wcw pictures" (Who? The bastard love child of Shannon Moore and pwtorch's Pat McNeill, perhaps?)
• "cinzia hart" (I'm sure she's a lovely woman and everything.... but I know NOTHING ABOUT HER!!!)
• "Bret Hart" "Julie Hart" (Aaaaaaaaaa!)
• "photos of wwf buried alive matches between undertaker and mankind" (Yeah, I don't have any pictures. Sorry.)
• "bret Cinzia how old" (I don't... FUCKING... KNOW!!!!!)
• "stuart stone jamie kennedy" (At least I know where this one comes from. And I'm seeing them in concert tonight!)
  

The funny thing is.... the more I keep bringing up stuff like this, the more it's going to attract wayward search engine users. Ha!

More feedback on the book!!!

Another VERY positive review of Thanks For The Compliment!!!, courtesy of longtime ITR reader Cidsoft:

Just wanted to let you know that the book arrived yesterday. I started reading it today. Its so great to relive some of the letters! Im laughing just as hard reading them the second time over too and i look forward to the new stuff i havent read yet.

This book is so freaking hilarious i dont even know what to say. It should be REQUIRED READING for wrestling fans, especially OO's. "Webmaster Rick Scherer" better have bought 20 copies!

Also, Jeb deserves some sorta writing award for his intro. That was intense. Curse you for stealing his cars and prostitutes! Curse you and the Thai money storm you rode in on!! :)

So yeah, great job and i cant wait to finish reading it and then read it again! Next time i have people over for a PPV (which might not be for a while thanks to WWE's booking...grumble) ill be sure to show the book to my friends...and random people i invite for PPV's!

So once again (and please realize, I'm going to continue shilling until EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU have a copyin your hands), visit here for more info on the book.

Oh, and a belated thank you to Matt "Hocking" Hocking and Derek "Kurrgan" Burgan for plugging the book in their respective columns this week.

Latest DVD Review(s)

Compilation Tape EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

Them no-good Dukes, 24/7, Jays suck, and a request

Busy weekend. Last night, I caught The Dukes of Hazzard movie. The show had been a favorite of mine as a kid (along with The A-Team), and the trailers actually looked decent on this one, so I was definitely looking forward to it.

Happy to report the film didn't disappoint. I mean, you have understand going into this that it's totally a popcorn flick, played completely for fun and nothing deeper than that. If you're okay with that, both Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott are perfect at channeling the spirit of a modern-day Bo and Luke. Jessica Simpson isn't a great Daisy Duke, but I think we all know why she's there.... and Burt Reynolds does a surprisingly-good Boss Hogg. Hell, I looked at Willie Nelson and aside from some more colorful language, it was hard to tell him apart from the original Uncle Jesse. The only problem, cast-wise, I had was with the actor who placed Sherriff Roscoe P. Coltrane -- he was supposed to be a buffoon in the series, and this guy was playing him nothing like that.

What was interesting is that, even though Bo and Luke et al are trapped in the mid-70's deep south, they're in modern surroundings, which made for a couple of nice chuckles.
Overall, this was a fun movie, and I'd recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the original Dukes series.

I also picked WWE 24/7 over the weekend and while I wasn't blown away by the selection, it's definitely money well spent. So far, I've either watched, skimmed through or taped SummerSlam 97 (Bret Hart vs Undertaker), an episode of Prime Time Wrestling (with classic Heenan/Monsoon interaction and a main event of JYD & Ricky Steamboat vs. Mr. Fuji and Magnificent Muraco), SummerSlam's Greatest Hits (Hart-Perfect, MegaPowers-MegaBucks and a few others) and a television show from ECW's very early days (the show focused on hype for the first ever Cactus Jack-Sabu match, which they hyped repeatedly using the ironic tag line "No Hype Necessary"). Overall, a nice mixture of footage that I could get used to.

Caught my beloved Blue Jays get whomped by Timlin and the Yankees yesterday. Oh well, I'd had a pretty good track record this season; it only made sense I'd see a real stinker sooner or later. To be fair, though, the pitching wasn't terrible; they just weren't hitting.

Lastly, a request. Without getting into things too much, I'm asking everyone to please send along your good vibes, karma, etc. for me as I head into a very trying day tomorrow. Thanks....

The Reviews Are In!

Okay... technically, just one review, so... The Review Is In! Also, it's more like an e-mailed comment than a review, but now I'm just starting to get dangerously off-topic:

Bulldog, Just got your book in the mail today and I can't stop laughing my ass off! This is the funniest book ever! EVER! Cartoons rock. You should be nominated for an award. Keep up the good work.

Jay

See? See? SEE? For some reason, many of you (or at least my average of 14 unique visitors a day) are hesitant to pick up "Thanks for the compliment! Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!" That's the only way I can account for the... shall we say.... disappointing sales thus far... hint hint.....

So now you people have a real live voice (whom I just realized, I could just totally be fabricating... but I'm not!) telling it like it is. Folks, I ain't too proud to beg, at least for something I believe in. This is a quality product. Get the book! Today! Then tell two friends, and they'll two friends, etc.

Oh, and Jay.... Thanks for the compliment!!!

Worth checking out....

Going through my DVD collection again tonight for wrestling events I haven't seen in a while, and I was pleasantly surprised by.... No Mercy 2001.

This was towards the end of the infamous InVasion storyline, and I guess I had convinced myself that pretty much everything from that time was crap. Not so! If you can get past the numerous set of titles and the overall failure of the story, it's actually a recent decent PPV.

This starts off with a well-above average tag team match involving The Hardyz and Hurricane and Lance Storm. Even Jeff is doing a decent job, so you can tell the footage is dated.

Next -- and this may be the most shocking of them all -- Test and Kane have a very good match with the entire crowd into it.

The Torrie Wilson-Stacy Keibler "lingerie match" was nothing you haven't seen a zillion times before, but at least it had an actual storyline to it (eg something that wasn't just slapped together at the last second).

The Edge-Christian ladder match wasn't an all-time classic, but it had said great moments. Very hard to get used to Christian with the long stringy hair and Bohemian Rhapsody-style theme music, even though it was less than four years ago.

Next was The Dudleyz versus Big Show and Tajiri.... okay, I guess not all of them were going to be good bouts. But the footage of Spike Dudley getting drunk in WWF New York more than made up for this.

The Undertaker squashed Booker T next. The scary thing is that absolutely nothing has changed for either guys in the past four years....

Then you have the classic Rock vs. Chris Jericho match for the WCW title. If you don't remember the backstory to this one is where Jericho "couldn't win the big one" and he actually does here, thanks to an extremely generous Rock. I could watch this match over and over again, it's that good.

The main event was Steve Austin (representing The Alliance) vs. Kurt Angle (representing the WWF) vs. RVD (Alliance but possibly aligned with Vince McMahon). While it doesn't come close to the previous match, its an excellent example of what all three of these guys were capable of when motivated.

Again -- definitely worth checking out if you've never seen it before (or, in my case, if you'd forgotten how good a show it was).

DVD Wish List - Wrestling's Greatest Tag Teams

I'm going to start doing this from time to time because, well, because I have nothing better to do with my time, apparently.

But thought it might be fun to create a fantasy DVD (using the current WWE tape library), who would be highlighted, which matches, etc. So here's the first in that series:

Wrestling's Greatest Tag Teams

Disc One

Profiles:
British Bulldogs
Hart Foundation
Rock 'n' Roll Express
Road Warriors
Midnight Express
Fabulous Freebirds

Matches:
British Bulldogs vs. Greg Valentine & Brutus Beefcake (WrestleMania 2)
Killer Bees vs. Hart Foundation (Saturday Night's Main Event)
Rock 'n' Roll Express vs. Midnight Express (pick your match, basically)
Road Warriors vs. SST (Starrcade '90; just trying to think of something not already on their new DVD)
Fabulous Freebirds vs. Von Erichs (if they have the World Class footage, which I can't recall, otherwise something from their WCW or UWF days, I suppose)

Disc Two:

Profiles:
The Rockers
Tully Blanchard & Arn Anderson
Demolition
Doom
The Nasty Boys
Rick and Scott Steiner

Matches:
Demolition vs. Strike Force
Steiner Brothers vs. Sting and Lex Luger (SuperBrawl '91)
Doom vs. Arn Anderson and Barry Windham (Starrcade ??, it was a stretfight)
The Nasty Boys vs. Cactus Jack and Maxx Payne (Slamboree ??)
The Rockers vs. Tully Blanchard & Arn Anderson (Saturday Night's Main Event)

Disc Three

Profiles:
New Age Outlaws
Hardy Boyz
Dudley Boyz
Edge & Christian
Los Guerreros
Harlem Heat

Matches:

TLC - Hardyz vs. Dudleyz vs. E & C (SummerSlam 2000)
New Age Outlaws vs. Chainsaw Charlie & Cactus Jack (Raw)
Los Guerreros vs. Edge and Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit (Survivor Series 2002)
Kevin Nash & Scott Hall vs. Harlem Heat

Stone Movement and Jamie Kennedy in Toronto

Recording artist Stuart Stone (whom I'm told loves the new Canadian Bulldog book) and Jamie Kennedy (an even bigger Bulldog fan, probably) will be in Toronto on August 11th performing songs from their upcoming hip hop/comedy CD at the York Theater (Eglinton Avenue). Worth the trip to the T Dot, yo.

Bulldog Does Satire

Raw Satire, specifically, as I'm guest-hosting for the vacationing Matt Hocking this week. Check it out!

Movie Review - War of the Worlds (with bonus Cream Soda Crush-related tangent)

I know I'm a bit late to the game in seeing this one, but thought I'd weigh in nonetheless.

I guess the first thing to say is that visually, it is quite a masterpiece. Top-flight special effects all the way, plus a sense of realism that I've never seen before in similar films. You really could imagine an alien invasion happening (if not for all the plot holes), and the effects deserve full credit for this.

But the story? Ehh.... Tom Cruise is clearly trying too hard to act like a weekend father, and it shows. Yes, I understand that he needs to project this image in order to turn into a more caring parent later on, but his performance just doesn't click for me. And I'm not one of these people who bashes Tom Cruise for the hell of it. I thought he did one helluva job in Collateral, for example. A Few Good Men, too, for that matter. But here? Not so much.

The other big problem with the film is that it was just too... unrealistic. Yeah, I do realize that you're not going to have an alien invasion life built on a true-life story. I just would have liked to see some further explanation for a lot of the things that happened. I won't spoil it for anyone, there are just a few burning questions that needed to be answered (or at least addressed), and it just never seemed to happen. You can make a movie like this and still but a little less cartoonish; I'm convinced of it.

So I guess this is one in hindsight I'd probably save for the DVD release, even though its not awful or anything. If you're committed to going to see movie anyways, go see Wedding Crashers - different genre, but definitely worth the price of admission.

Final, completely, unrelated little tangent here: What the HELL is with those contests they have buried under the bottle liners of soda pop bottles? You can never remove them from the bottlecap, unless you pick at it for like 20 minutes using a combination of your fingernails, a fork and various farm implements. Maybe its just me.

Anyways, the bottlecap in question was for Cream Soda Crush, and while I have nothing personally against the Cream Soda Crush Corporation, I seriously think they should be sending me a consolation prize for 20 minutes of effort trying to unearth the bottle liner. That's got to be worth something, no? I figure how that's how they make money with all these contests running all the time; no one bothers to open the damn things, so Cream Soda Crush Corp. doesn't actually have to award anything!