Movie Review - The Longest Yard

To get something out of the way: YES, the only reason my brother and I chose to see this was because of the wrestlers' involvement. And NO, I had nothing but poor expectations going in. Strictly one of those where I knew it would be "so bad its good". Sigh - I tend to see a lot of those movies.



I vaguely remember the original Longest Yard, but I wasn't particularly impressed from the little of it I recall. The premise, though, is workable: a former football star (Adam Sandler) is sent to prison after a drunk-driving accident and in the wake of a point-shaving scandal. When he arrives at the big house, he's pressured by the warden into first "consulting" the all-guard football team, and then creating a team of inmates to job to the guard's team.

Without giving away too much, I will weigh in that the film's use of the three biggest stars is just dreadful. I'm sorry, I just don't buy Adam Sandler as the tough-as-nails streetfighter. You see an Adam Sandler, you're not thinking "Wow, this guy could probably start a prison riot." He'd be far better off sticking to one-liners.

Speaking of which... Chris Rock has some of the worst lines in the film! Which isn't so bad except I usually find him extremely funny and just think some improv dialogue would have worked wonders here instead of his obviously-overscripted "jokes". And Burt Reynolds is just wasted here. He could have been used for comedy value, parodying himself effectively, but that just never happened.

How did the wrestlers do? Steve Austin was basically himself, save for (hopefully!) the racist streak his prison guard has. Kevin Nash had a bit of a funny shtick going (though we're convinced when he picked up the steroid pills, it wasn't actually part of the film; a camera just happened to be hanging around on the set and improvised.) The thing is - Nash just looks too OLD to solicit other roles in films like this. I'm sorry, but it's true. Bill Goldberg was just kind of there and didn't really add anything to the film, despite having arguably the biggest role of the wrestlers. Hey, kind of like in real life! Bob Sapp was actually quite funny doing a overstuffed goof gimmick.

There are a few plot points that border on the ridiculous, but nothing that really makes you slap your head in frustration. The ending was pretty satisfying, all things considered, and the movie actually picks up steam towards the end, which I wasn't expecting.

Overall, it was an okay movie with a few cute lines, but absolutely nothing you couldn't wait to see until it comes out on DVD. Better than I expected - but not much.

For a much more thorough review of this movie, click here.

Letters From A Jerk

Never let it be said I don't publish negative feedback. From loyal ITR reader Alan:



You are a fuckin retard. Your column is in NO way funny. You are the fuckin epitome of that loser-ass, pathetic individual who causes the collective wrestling fandom to look like a bunch of fuckin dorks. And before you even say anything, Yeah, I know it looks backwards that I’m taking up my precious time to talk shit to you (since I’m labeling you as a complete loser) but this article that you wrote (which leads me to believe that ALL your articles are written in the same manner) made you come across as an ABSOLUTE fuckin GEEK FUCK, and I just HAD to say something. What the fuck is up with you spelling everything wrong?!? And putting “Yes” as the last option on all your gay ass polls? Are you trying to be cute? You’re a fuckin idiot. I can’t believe Rick let’s you put your bullshit on his website. And don’t even try to come back with some crap like, “I guess you didn’t change your tampon this morning.” Or, ”you’re an even bigger loser for coming at me with this shit.” Don’t even attempt that bullshit cuz I’d whoop the fuckin shit out of you. Dork ass Bitch!
p.s. you’re better off just pulling a “Kerry Von Eric” or a “Brian Pillman”. I know you’re one of those four-eyed, pimply ass nerd fucks that has never had pussy in your entire life, so just end it. Fag!
p.p.s. Rick is a fuckin piece of shit too! I’m sick of that whiny ass bitch crying all the time that the WWE product sucks. If he wants to talk shit, go right on ahead, but at least have offer MORE than the miniscule “CONSTRUCTIVE” criticism that he presents in his articles. That faggot will give about 100 points of negativity, but will counter with only 2 points on how the show COULD have been better if they did it this way or that way.

My response:

Dear Alex,
Thanks for the compliment!!!
Bulldog

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Inside Mattitude

Ever since word of Lita's relationship with Edge leaked out to the internet, Matt Hardy has been exceptionally forthcoming in terms of posting his thoughts/feelings to the internet. Or so you thought. It turns out that Matt's been holding out on us, and it took the investigatory prowess of OO's Very Own Canadian Bulldog to discover this fact. Bulldog is in possession of a few recent pages of Matt Hardy's Diary; pages that reveal what's really going on inside the mind of the Sensei of Mattitude. Bulldog will share those details, plus has lots of EXCLUSIVE newsbites about ECW, SD!'s move to Friday nights, and a whole lot more in the latest hand-crafted edition of Inside the Ropes.

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Interpromotional WAR

Forget about the ECW-Raw stuff, this is hilarious!

Received an email from the folks at ECCW (no relation), better known as Extreme Canadian Championship Wrestling, who transcribed a response from New Japan Pro Wrestling about an interpromotional challenge ECCW made. The audio is available here.

"Hello, Mr. Republic, this is the New Japan office calling.. it appears you have, uh, some sort of a challenge of sorts sent out to Mr. Inoki. Well, word has reached Tokyo, and Mr. Inoki would like us to relay the following to you:We're not trying to insult you or anything, but you're on a different level than us when it comes to the pro wrestling business, and unfortunately, Mr. Inoki doesn't have the time to everything that is said or challenged or whatever in the world of pro wrestling. So, unfortunately, we really don't have an answer for you, so you and your.. Juggernauts, and Hot & Bothered, and .. I think you have some kid called Memphis there or something, and a couple of Moondogs.. and I guess, just continue doing your shows, and we wish you all the success in the world, but unfortunately, you're not at our caliber, and thus we're just... not going to answer your challenge. All the success in the world, and.. everything else. So thank you, much success in the future, goodbye."

I HOPE for ECCW's sake that this is just a work. If so, it's a good one...

Judgment Day Thoughts

Well.... what to say here? I knew going into that this was going to be a typical, albeit well-planned, SmackDown PPV, so if I complain about the quality of the show, I have no one to blame but myself.

MNM vs Holly/Haas was what it was: terrible, mid-card filler. Let's get some actual tag teams in our tag team division here...

Carlito vs Show was just awful. I get that they're trying to make Morgan into The Next Big Thing (complete with his finisher), but it just seems like too much, too soon.

London vs Chavo was underwhelming. All things considered, they had enough time to get this match going but never quite made anything out of it.

Booker T vs Angle really lacked the intensity it need to pay off this kind of match. Still, I am SHOCKED that Booker got the win here. It's the right decision, but it's not like WWE often does things like that with Book. One major complaint: the aftermath took up waaaaaay too much PPV time.

Jordan vs Heidenreich was worse than I could have even imagined it being.

Guerrero vs Mysterio was decent, but I somehow expected more of it. It seems as though they'll never match the intensity or awesomeness of their Hallowe'en Havoc match years ago. Not only that, but Eddie could have gone a lot more psycho following the match to pay off what they were trying to.

Cena vs JBL was... amazing. It was a great, intense, bloody brawl that I would never figured either man capable of pulling off. And it was mostly JBL, bumping like crazy and working really stiff -- if only he had shown this kind of intensity during his title reign, I think a lot of people would have given more respect. I know I would have. In any event, this one match saved the entire pay-per-view. It was that good.

Don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't buy the DVD or anything, but it's worth watching this match to see what an inspired JBL and Cena are capable of.

Movie Review - Wrestling/North

This was a documentary tonight on Global Television. I didn't see it advertised before, but the description (as well having "wrestling" in the title, obviously) intrigued me.

Those who have read Edge's autobiography heard about the "winter death tours" by Winnipeg promoter Tony Condello. This is basically a documentary of said tours, and a group of (mostly) young wrestlers learning the business in sub-zero temperatures, travelling to native reservations across roads made of ice to get there.

I don't recognize most of the names (well, most of them are rookies), although former Stampede mid-carder Kerry Brown is there, and he's one bitter sonofabitch these days. There's also someone in the Leatherface costume, though I'd be shocked if he was the same guy from FMW, etc.

The show starts out innocently enough, with the wrestlers talking about why they're in the business and how this will give them a good start, etc. They also mentioned (several times over) how guys like Edge, Christian, Rhyno, Test, Lance Storm and Chris Jericho started out on these tours, reasoning that if they got their start doing this, anyone can.

The tour DOES look brutal. The icy roads they drive over are tenous at best, and they often end up in remote locations where the wrestlers sleep on gym mats and change in closets. The crowds are certainly enthusiastic, especially the children, as wrestling seems to be one of the only sources of outside entertainment. And Condello is quite a character, as guys like Edge and Jericho have alluded to before. You have to see this 60-something year-old guy deliver his "Stone Age Stunner" to believe it.

However, things kind of get repetitive from there - some setbacks, injuries and cancelled shows - but nothing out of the ordinary. Honestly, I could have watched the first 20 minutes and I wouldn't have missed much. What I still want to know is... why does Condello do this tour once a year? I understand that from a young wrestler's point of view, they have to get exposure somewhere, and there are fewer and fewer alternatives these days (another point that the documentary completely glossed over; I mean, it's a fact, somebody could just point out that "WWE is the only game in town" or whatever).

The ending was kind of bizarre as well: they talk about all the wrestlers and what they're doing now. Some are still wrestling, some aren't (I have no idea how long ago this was made, could have been three years ago or last week). One "was killed in a bizarre accident", but I may have read that wrong because then they say "he's making a comeback." WHAT THE FUCK? Then they talk about the most polished wrestler of the group, a guy named Chi Chi Cruz. They say "Chi Chi got a tryout". That's great, but.... WITH WHO??? I mean, odds are they're talking about WWE, but don't tell me they couldn't say that... that's just sloppy and pisses me off.

Anyways, it was an interesting doc, but definitely wasn't worth investing a full hour in. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it or anything.

BLOOPERS!!!

Leave it to the man behind the magic of the Hal Kogan-Darth Vader video package to also produce a complete set of outtakes... I am EXTREMELY impressed.

Rollin' With Saget

This may only be up for a limited time, but I strongly suggest checking this track out. It's our old friend Stu Stone (aka Hollywood Stu) teaming with Jamie Kennedy and, of all people, Full House star BOB F'N SAGET, in what's sure to be a hip-hop classic. Warning: contains bad language, definitely not safe for work, unless you have headphones handy.

Best of luck with the song, Stuven. I'm sure it will be a smash!

Movie Review - Revenge of the Sith (w/ Bonus Story)

I'll try to keep this spoiler-free, appreciating the fact that many people still haven't seen it yet...

Well, I liked it. Mind you, I didn't dislike the first two of this trilogy, though this one is certainly the clear winner. It definitely has the tightest script of the three, the most memorable lines and some of the craziest special effects (particularly in the opening scene).

Moreso than in the first two films, I found both Ewan McGregor and Ian McDiarmid to be particularly convincing. Hayden Christensen, not so much, but I don't think he's a particularly good actor anyways.

Sith does wrap up everything in a nice little package, so that if you're watching the films in numerical order, they make perfect sense now. Perhaps even to the point where they spelled out even the most obvious plot points for Episode IV, but I guess they had to dumb it down for the unwashed masses.

Speaking of which, a story I have to relate: Went to the film with my brother and sister-in-law, and we go our choice seats with time to spare. At the 10 minute-before-the-film point, I still had an empty seat next to me, which is always a bonus for coats, etc. Then just as the lights go down, this heavyset, odd-looking man asks if the seat is taken. I wanted to say "yes", but I didn't.

So buddy jumps over the railing (and I'm gonna guess he was on the south side of 300 lbs.) and settles in next to me. Fine, whatever, I don't own the theater or anything; he has a right to sit beside me, you know? But then, he busts out a GameBoy-type device and starts playing poker. Which itself isn't a big deal except he keeps bumping me with his elbow.

It gets worse, as the film starts, he opens a can of beer (!!!) and begins breathing real heavy (think Vader and you've got a pretty good idea). Then I sense a disturbance in the force, which is a polite way of saying constant gas. Geez! Finally, at one point, he shifts over in his seat, as if he's going to start talking to me, and I lose it. I am sitting in my seat and I can't stop laughing. Jabba has no idea what's going on, but I turn to my brother and just can't stop giggling. Then he explains the situation to his wife and I'm in tears. Literally, tears are streaming down my face. After about 5 minutes of the giggles, I finally excuse myself and leave to regain my composure. I never could stop laughing though, especially after he opened beer # 2.

One last thing I wanted to add. This has so many tie-ins to wrestling, it's not funny. And no, I'm not even talking about my column from this week (cheapplugcoughcough). I'm talking heel turns, swerves, storyline building -- the WWE creative team really needs to take a good look at this film to see how things should be done. No joke intended, I really think that would help.

Anyways, loved the movie. The big guy next to me -- not so much.

Latest ITR (Yes, this is THE one)

Superstar Wars

I gather there's some movie coming out this week which a lot of people want to see. But unfortunately, all you pitiable fan boys missed the REAL big story by waiting in line for the past week. While you were wallowing in your own crapulence, a Major Pay Per View Event was taking place in a Galaxy of Rather Significant Distance From Our Very Own. And wouldn't you know it? OO's own Canadian Bulldog, ever the Intrepid Investigative Reporter, is the ONLY man to have the EXCLUSIVE results. Who appeared on the special show? Are lightsabers, technically, legal in a wrestling ring? Is an Iron Bikini, technically, legal in a Lingerie Pillow Fight? There's only one way to find out: check out Bulldog's PPV Recap: Superstar Wars, A New Hope.


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FUCK YEAH!

Had to rush out and get the Team America: World Police DVD today (Because, you know, I'd only seen the movie three times in the theater). I am NOT disappointed.

They don't skimp on the extras -- lots of really interesting details, especially when it gets to the sets. I had no idea all of the work that went into this stuff. And the deleted scenes are fantastic as well.

One of the few movies I absolutely HAD to own on DVD, and damn am I lovin' it so far...

Random Notes

The LFAN book (for those of you who asked) is now roughly 70 percent done... at least the first go-through of it. As I think I mentioned at the outset, this won't be fancy, but it should be a pretty funny read. I'm going to make one last request: if you have any emails of the more recent people released from WWE (except for Matt Hardy, I've already got that one), please let me know. Going to try for one more round of letters to include in the book (or possibly for a future column to help PROMOTE the book once its finished, not sure).

Secondly, just wanted to say that this week's ITR has been pushed up about 24 hours to Wednesday on Online Onslaught, so be sure to adjust your TIVO accordingly.... As I mentioned last week, this column may just BLOW the other ones out of the water. Really happy with how it turned out.

The TV Timeout

A great little site for sports news, commentary, etc., launched by our old friend Matt "GimmickMan" Bishop. Check it out.

Next week's Inside The Ropes.....

I am about halfway done the column for next week. It's a new concept I haven't quite tried before (including ~OMG new technology) and I am quite stoked about this. Without hyping this TOO much ahead of time, I will suggest that this has the potential to become the best ITR ever!







EVER!!!

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Sweet Sweet Love

Maybe it's time to take a step back from all the hard-hitting backstage dirt and just appreciate all the love that seems to be in the air in the wrestling world these days. I mean: Kane and Lita? Viscera and Lillian? And how about that delightful chemistry between Stacy Keibler and Todd Grisham? What could possibly be more romantic than prancing your dim little self out to the ring and asking some putz to help you operate that bafflingly complex modern invention known as "the zipper," so that you can show the world your panties? Or wait: maybe that's not exactly "love." But it's something. And Canadian Bulldog has a full Skankosity Scoreboard Update (plus news about the Draft Lottery and MORE) in the latest edition of Inside the Ropes.

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A New Hope?

After much anticipation (by me), I finally showed my 4 1/2 year old son the first (well, fourth, technically, but first by release date) Star Wars movie. A few weeks ago, he saw some pictures of Star Wars in a movie magazine, and been asking me questions about it ever since.

He kept asking me to draw a picture of him standing alongside C-3PO and R2-D2, although he couldn't quite get the names right and called them "3-CPO and R-T-D-T" several times. The misspelled droids are now his "best friends" for some strange reason.

So we decided it was time to watch the movie. And his reaction was....

..... ehhh.

I guess he really wasn't into it. I mean, it WAS almost 30 years ago and the production values, as advanced as they were at the time, really reflect that. Despite me excitedly giving him a running commentary ("Look at that, now C-3PO's on Darth Vader's Bad Guy Planet!!"), he seemed to be happier tuning in ocassionally and playing with his Thomas the Tank Engine trains.

Oh well. Maybe he'll grow into it later on. May the force be with him.

New Merchandise Alert

You think you know me? You will NEVER know me!!!

(Hey, might as well capitalize on this while it's still hot, right?)

Movie Review - Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Ehhhh.

I wish I had a more enthusiastic response for this one, but I just can't. It did very little to leave me with a lasting impression.

Now don't get me wrong - I really dug Douglas Adams' books back in the day, and just LOVED the BBC Radio broadcast of the initial episodes. So it's not like I don't GET the point of this.... the production just didn't do it for me, I suppose.

This is nothing to do with the actors, they were fine, if not a little unremarkable. But the whole script was just too... slow to really make much of an impact. There were a few cute moments (I loved their portayal of Marvin, for example), but the bad just seemed to outweigh the good, for me at least.

Ugh.... just left a poor taste in my mouth. How many days till Star Wars again?

DVD Review on Gumgod

Just wanted to let y'all know my "Ultimate Insiders" DVD review (which was published on OO this week) now also appears on Derek Burgan's Gumgod website. There are also some screencaps of the DVD there to better illustrate some of my points.

And just as a cheap plug for Derek: Gumgod is a great site for wrestling humor, et cetera, and if you've never been before, I'd strongly encourage you to check it out.

Latest ITR

Fifty in the Bank~!

It's human nature to rank things and make lists... and a lot of times, it's human nature to look at some idiot's list and say, "You've gotta be kidding me" prior to dismissing said list. But today here at OO: you cannot dismiss this list! Because it is brought to you by Edge's own personal new Promo Writer, our very own Canadian Bulldog! With connections like that, how can Bulldog's list be anything but the most insightful, detailed, well-researched list of the 50 greatest wrestlers ever? EVER! The answer: it can't. Although perhaps it's a bit suspicious that Bulldog's new client *is* in at #1.... hmmm. Well, never mind, and just enjoy the ITR 50, as presented by the Bulldog in Inside the Ropes.

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ITR (The W)

The history of ITR

For anyone who's interested, I've added a brief history of Inside The Ropes as part of the ongoing renovations to my website.

DVD Review - Pro Wrestling's Ultimate Insiders

Very few men can lay claim to having had as vital a role in the week-to-week storytelling during the WWF's phoenix-like return to dominance in the late-90s. Sometimes that role was for the better, sometimes it was for the worse, but the one thing that can't be argued is that Vince Russo was making the lion's share of contributions to the early years of the Attitude Era. And now that he's found the Jesus and considers his wrestling career over, he's come forward to tell his story. He relives the good (taking the WWF away from TL Hopper and towards Steve Austin) and tries to justify the awful (like David Arquette, WCW Champion). Get the scoop from Canadian Bulldog as he reviews the Vince Russo Shoot Interview DVD.

New DVD Concept

Was thinking about this yesterday: you can find DVD's these days for virtually any television show that was even remotely successful, ranging from WKRP in Cincinatti to Gunsmoke to Boy Meets World. Why aren't there "Season" style DVD's for WWE yet?

No, I'm not suggesting an entire year's worth of television - that might be a little much. But what about a 2 or 3 DVD set for "Season One" of Raw (1993) or SmackDown (1999), featuring the best twenty or thirty matches, segments, etc. from every given year? Like the TV shows do, you release these at staggered intervals, so there aren't like 12 seasons of Raw out there flooding the market. But I'm sure there would be a healthy market for this, AT LEAST as many people as, say, Punky Brewster Season Three.

Whaddya think?

Okay... ENOUGH, Copeland!!!

(Updated 05/04: I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention this thread.)

Tonight's closing comment:

"This interview is OVER!!!"

That does it. If you use "Thanks for the compliment!!!" next week, I'm gonna steal your fucking briefcase.

Backlash Thoughts

To answer a NUMBER of emails I've already received.... YES, I heard Edge's comment. Fucking copycat! Oh.. and thanks to the anonymous youngster who put me over on Live Audio Wrestling tonight.

Show was pretty damn decent, and our group at the North York movie theater have added a new gimmick to our repetoire: booing loudly whenever someone walks in front of us. I guess you have to experience it to see the humor, but trust me, good stuff...

Shelton Benjamin over Chris Jericho

Better than I expected, and perhaps Jericho's best outing in a while. Benjamin, as always, was spot on to boot. Very creative finish, and I'm fine with Jericho going heel if that's where they're going with it.

Rosey and Hurricane win Tag Team Turmoil

Okay, this was the one prediction I missed for the entire card (I had the even MORE darkhorse team of Maven and Simon Dean pegged), but WHO THE HELL would pick these guys to win? Still, I suppose they needed to have someone for The Hearthrobs to eventually beat...

Edge over Benoit

Just perfect. Easily their finest outing to date, and that's saying something. I just HOPE that wasn't a real brick (though with the sound it made, who knows?).

Kane over Viscera

Ehhhh.... but it goes to show you The Power of Trish. If she was able to turn frickin' VISCERA face, then she can do just about anything.

Hogan/Michaels over Hassan/Daivari

Exactly as advertised, which isn't a bad thing in small doses. They could have gone a little shorter, but lord help us if they cut into Hogan's posing time. Whatever. No harm done, I don't think.

Batista over Triple H

Better than their WM match, I think, probably because of the focus on the Pedigree (which honestly I didn't think was enough to carry a match, and I was proven wrong). It seemed pretty definitive to me, so I don't understand how they headline a third PPV.

Overall, I enjoyed the show (and our movie theater antics). Starting to count the days down to the ECW PPV now...